then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
