Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
