Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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