Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
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