I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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