Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
