I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
