Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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