you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
