I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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