We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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