I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
