I need to stop coming to work sober
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We are all done wearing pants today
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
