I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
