I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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