i already hear my dad disowning me
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
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You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
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Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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