i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
