I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
