Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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