T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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