He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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