So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
