My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
