I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
