It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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