hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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