dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
