I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
