Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
