I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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