so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
