I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I forget how to act sober
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
