dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
