My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
