Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
