Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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