My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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