why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
