Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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