And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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