Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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