Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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