I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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