I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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