Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
