I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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