Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
