It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
