No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
