Need sex. Gaining weight.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
