How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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