Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She's just so happy...and so naked.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
