Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
