I accidentally had phone sex last night
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
