my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
